1 00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:46,979 Thank you. 2 00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:47,839 Thank you very much. 3 00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:48,840 Good on. 4 00:00:49,420 --> 00:00:50,420 Thank you. 5 00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:51,880 Thank you. 6 00:00:55,420 --> 00:00:56,420 Yeah, I like that. 7 00:00:57,180 --> 00:00:58,180 I think I'll do it again. 8 00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:18,960 Here's a little joke I'd like to tell you now. 9 00:01:19,740 --> 00:01:20,740 You like this joke? 10 00:01:24,580 --> 00:01:25,580 Here's a little joke. 11 00:01:27,700 --> 00:01:28,700 I want to tell a joke. 12 00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:36,740 What is it? They took the mic off. 13 00:01:38,180 --> 00:01:39,400 Well, why didn't they do it? I don't know. 14 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:45,240 I'll do a little magic instead. 15 00:01:54,039 --> 00:01:59,540 From this empty cloth, I will now produce a big, large bowl of goldfish. 16 00:02:06,900 --> 00:02:08,039 I don't know why I did that. 17 00:02:10,100 --> 00:02:11,200 It's nothing to do with the trick. 18 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,180 A large bowl of goldfish. 19 00:02:23,950 --> 00:02:24,950 on the table. 20 00:03:00,950 --> 00:03:01,950 Take anything off. 21 00:03:06,570 --> 00:03:07,570 That's not mine. 22 00:03:10,250 --> 00:03:11,490 That's not my table. Take it off. 23 00:03:13,050 --> 00:03:14,050 Just take it off. 24 00:03:17,610 --> 00:03:18,610 Too heavy? 25 00:03:18,910 --> 00:03:20,550 All right, put that down. All right, take a bit off. 26 00:03:35,020 --> 00:03:36,020 this morning, sir. 27 00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:45,680 I've got a feeling this whole operation is coming apart. 28 00:03:46,140 --> 00:03:47,140 What do you mean, sir? 29 00:03:47,820 --> 00:03:48,820 What do I mean? 30 00:03:52,540 --> 00:03:54,620 I'll get it fixed. I'll get it fixed. Okay. 31 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:57,100 Boneson, Boneson, take the wheel. 32 00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:06,800 Do your best to get them a show with colour, and that's all the thanks they 33 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:07,800 give. 34 00:04:08,180 --> 00:04:13,700 All right, seen anything on the port side, Copperfield? Keep your eyes open. 35 00:04:13,860 --> 00:04:15,360 Aye, aye, sir. Nothing happening? No, sir. 36 00:04:16,519 --> 00:04:17,519 I'll take up a bit. 37 00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:21,240 Bolton! 38 00:04:21,660 --> 00:04:23,120 Bolton! Bolton! 39 00:04:23,620 --> 00:04:24,359 Yes, sir. 40 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:25,860 Bolton, for goodness sake. 41 00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:29,260 What a funny place to put our lighters. 42 00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:49,520 It's easily done. 43 00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:54,040 Sorry, sorry. 44 00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:56,020 Caps off, Boston. Caps off. 45 00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:59,600 Oh, I hope she doesn't have the cold traced. 46 00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:02,080 Who was it, sir? 47 00:05:03,940 --> 00:05:04,940 Just a friend. 48 00:05:06,180 --> 00:05:07,139 For what? 49 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:08,140 Oh, look, sir. 50 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:09,720 Right on the enemy aircraft. 51 00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:11,560 Come into the water. Yeah, dive, dive, dive. 52 00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:14,280 Get down below, Governor. 53 00:05:14,540 --> 00:05:16,280 Don't forget the cleats. I'll be last down. 54 00:05:18,020 --> 00:05:19,020 Sir, sir, sir. 55 00:05:19,540 --> 00:05:20,580 We're on a battleship. 56 00:05:22,740 --> 00:05:24,400 Hop, hop, hop, hop, hop. 57 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:28,960 It's easily done. 58 00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:30,200 Yes, it is. 59 00:05:32,860 --> 00:05:33,860 Right, lads. 60 00:05:34,740 --> 00:05:37,580 Copperfield, keep your eyes out there. It's nothing to do with you, lads. 61 00:05:37,820 --> 00:05:39,560 In any case, that was a seagull we saw. 62 00:05:40,580 --> 00:05:41,740 Better get your eyes tested. 63 00:05:46,890 --> 00:05:48,590 Is this your first time at sea, Bolson? 64 00:05:48,850 --> 00:05:49,850 No, sir. 65 00:05:50,130 --> 00:05:51,970 I come from a seafaring family. 66 00:05:52,890 --> 00:05:57,350 My brother was a seaman, my father was a seaman, and my mother was a seaman. 67 00:05:58,690 --> 00:05:59,690 So you joined up? 68 00:06:00,150 --> 00:06:03,230 You joined up for hostilities only, or are you regular? 69 00:06:03,610 --> 00:06:04,610 Regular, sir. 70 00:06:05,630 --> 00:06:06,910 After breakfast every morning. 71 00:06:10,310 --> 00:06:13,810 You know, the minute you joined the ship, I could tell by your gait, by the 72 00:06:13,810 --> 00:06:15,110 your duffel went over your shoulder. 73 00:06:16,630 --> 00:06:18,110 You'll do for me, Bolson. 74 00:06:18,990 --> 00:06:21,270 Well, anything to make you happy, sir. 75 00:06:35,950 --> 00:06:37,030 Well, how you doing, cats? 76 00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:41,990 My name is Johnny Check. 77 00:06:43,810 --> 00:06:45,010 I ain't got the cash on me. 78 00:06:52,460 --> 00:06:54,260 I just tune up here just a little. 79 00:07:21,610 --> 00:07:22,610 for now. 80 00:07:25,770 --> 00:07:27,050 So here we go now. 81 00:07:33,490 --> 00:07:39,250 With a hippity hippity mulligan and a mittsy mittsy holligan 82 00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:43,330 and an itsy mittsy bitsy hoolay. 83 00:07:46,970 --> 00:07:47,970 I don't know. 84 00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:52,460 I sang that song all over the world. 85 00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:59,200 I sang it to the shepherds in Tibet, to Chinese coolies in China, 86 00:07:59,340 --> 00:08:05,040 because there's a lot of Chinese out there, and to the Arabs in the desert. I 87 00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:06,040 always got the same response. 88 00:08:07,300 --> 00:08:08,440 They threw bricks at me. 89 00:08:11,180 --> 00:08:13,500 And now here's a little protest number. 90 00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:19,580 There ain't no hot water in my dressing room. 91 00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:26,480 The kettle's boiling. 92 00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:29,480 Oh, there you go. 93 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:32,020 We're a happy ship, Bosun. 94 00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:34,980 A very happy ship. We are a happy ship. A happy ship. 95 00:08:35,679 --> 00:08:38,580 I mean, we've had our ups and downs. 96 00:08:39,220 --> 00:08:40,780 Boy, you have to on a ship, sir. 97 00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:49,000 We are a happy ship. Oh, very happy ship, sir. Now, don't be lazy, Bosun. 98 00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:49,859 a happy ship. 99 00:08:49,860 --> 00:08:51,020 A happy ship, sir. 100 00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:55,970 You're not just saying that because... You're the humble bosun and I'm the 101 00:08:56,230 --> 00:08:57,230 No, sir. 102 00:08:57,650 --> 00:09:00,610 I'll take my cap off, let me be honest. I'll be a happy ship. 103 00:09:00,850 --> 00:09:01,850 Yes! 104 00:09:02,390 --> 00:09:04,450 A very, very happy ship. 105 00:09:04,910 --> 00:09:06,810 I'll never be honest with a happier ship. 106 00:09:08,570 --> 00:09:09,870 It's happy, happy, happy. 107 00:09:11,290 --> 00:09:13,390 Happy, happy, happy ship. 108 00:09:15,470 --> 00:09:17,610 One thing I can't stand, it's a crawler. 109 00:09:19,870 --> 00:09:21,490 Last week I went to, um... 110 00:09:21,979 --> 00:09:23,540 a travel agency about my holidays. 111 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:25,840 And there was a big poster of Mallorca. 112 00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:28,440 So I thought, I want to go there. So he pinned me to the wall. 113 00:09:34,660 --> 00:09:36,320 And I went by jumbo jet. 114 00:09:36,780 --> 00:09:37,780 The pilot was an elephant. 115 00:09:40,540 --> 00:09:42,920 And I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. 116 00:09:44,020 --> 00:09:45,920 Because you never hear a plane backing into a mountain. 117 00:09:57,550 --> 00:09:58,550 the hotel in Mallorca. 118 00:09:59,430 --> 00:10:00,810 They gave me the red carpet treatment. 119 00:10:02,070 --> 00:10:03,430 They did. I thought it was very nice of them. 120 00:10:04,130 --> 00:10:06,310 And they said, the beds are not ready, so you've got to sleep on the red 121 00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:11,910 And I got to the room, and there was no ceiling to the room. So I rang out to 122 00:10:11,910 --> 00:10:13,550 the manager. I said, there's no ceiling to my room. 123 00:10:13,970 --> 00:10:16,070 He said, that's all right. He said, the manager doesn't walk about much. 124 00:10:30,830 --> 00:10:31,509 I'm leaking. 125 00:10:31,510 --> 00:10:37,010 And when I got back... When I got back from the holiday, I parked the car in 126 00:10:37,010 --> 00:10:40,690 drive, took the luggage out of the back seat, and helped my wife down from the 127 00:10:40,690 --> 00:10:41,690 roof rack. 128 00:10:45,930 --> 00:10:48,590 And there was 2 ,000 milk bowls on the doorstep. 129 00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:52,470 And I said to the milkman, I said, I've been away on a holiday. 130 00:10:53,270 --> 00:10:57,050 He said, thank goodness for that. He said, I was beginning to think you 131 00:10:57,050 --> 00:10:58,050 like the stuff. 132 00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:02,960 The producers gave me the cigar. 133 00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:05,660 One for himself and one for me. 134 00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:08,580 Yeah, he did. He got them. 135 00:11:10,260 --> 00:11:12,400 Two for one pound ten pence. 136 00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:15,940 I think it was the ten pence one. 137 00:11:37,620 --> 00:11:38,620 Morning. 138 00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:40,700 All those traffic waters are dreadful. 139 00:11:41,060 --> 00:11:42,060 I've just been towed away. 140 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,120 And a funny thing, I didn't have the car with me. 141 00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:49,820 You're a comedian, aren't you, Mr. Coulthard? 142 00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:51,040 Yes. 143 00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:55,680 It's down on your in -cab tax form, otherwise I wouldn't have you here. 144 00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:12,660 Marmaduke Marmalade... Yes? 145 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:17,120 Pardon? Marmaduke Marmalade is down on this form as being resident at your 146 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:18,120 address. 147 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:22,520 Yes. We're hoping you can help us, because he hasn't paid any income tax in 148 00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:23,520 years. Oh. 149 00:12:39,950 --> 00:12:41,490 Hello to the gentleman. Hello, hello, hello. 150 00:12:44,490 --> 00:12:47,570 Um, I can take it that this is... What are you doing? 151 00:12:48,310 --> 00:12:50,550 Sir, what did you... I thought I'd get me on with your back. Shut up. 152 00:12:53,250 --> 00:12:55,310 Is this Mr. Marmonet? Yes. 153 00:12:56,310 --> 00:12:58,310 Mr. Cooper, he's... he's wooden. 154 00:12:59,230 --> 00:13:00,290 That's why you wouldn't pay his tax. 155 00:13:05,570 --> 00:13:07,050 I do magic tricks as well. 156 00:13:07,450 --> 00:13:08,450 Yes, yes. 157 00:13:09,900 --> 00:13:11,360 How did he get into our files? 158 00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:18,700 Ah, well... Look, funny I do that, see, because... It's what you call a 159 00:13:18,700 --> 00:13:20,200 job of getting on glue, you see. 160 00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:24,380 And quite... We'll get on glue all the time. 161 00:13:26,220 --> 00:13:29,720 I think it might be a little easier if you spoke for him. 162 00:13:30,220 --> 00:13:31,440 Well, I was doing it, didn't I? 163 00:13:41,930 --> 00:13:43,430 Please be careful. This is government property. 164 00:13:44,530 --> 00:13:46,250 The fact is that Mr. 165 00:13:46,730 --> 00:13:49,830 Marmalade... Call the marmalade. He likes that. 166 00:13:50,350 --> 00:13:54,970 Mr. Marmalade has been processed through our computer as a human being. 167 00:13:55,730 --> 00:13:57,130 Help Mr. Betsy. Go on. 168 00:13:57,330 --> 00:14:03,670 And as far as the computer is concerned, has evaded tax... Has evaded tax for 169 00:14:03,670 --> 00:14:04,529 ten years. 170 00:14:04,530 --> 00:14:06,530 A serious offence. He could be locked up. 171 00:14:06,830 --> 00:14:08,790 Oh, he doesn't mind that. He spends most of his time locked up. 172 00:14:09,010 --> 00:14:12,390 A silly mistake has been made and the common sense thing to do is to forget 173 00:14:12,390 --> 00:14:13,390 about it. 174 00:14:13,490 --> 00:14:18,490 But this is a government office and common sense doesn't come into it. 175 00:14:19,570 --> 00:14:25,870 The formalities must be completed. 176 00:14:26,090 --> 00:14:27,550 Now, take this form. 177 00:14:29,850 --> 00:14:30,850 There we are. 178 00:14:31,430 --> 00:14:32,910 Now, read it carefully. 179 00:14:33,910 --> 00:14:35,850 Read it carefully and fill it in. 180 00:14:36,130 --> 00:14:37,130 He can't read. 181 00:14:38,569 --> 00:14:39,670 You've gone upside down, you idiot. 182 00:14:42,550 --> 00:14:44,030 You can fill it in for him. 183 00:14:44,470 --> 00:14:51,170 How can I? I've got my hand up his back. I've got something in my eye. 184 00:14:52,270 --> 00:14:53,270 It's a finger. 185 00:14:56,550 --> 00:14:59,090 And I went into a drugstore, which is the chemist here, isn't it, in a 186 00:14:59,090 --> 00:15:01,490 drugstore, and I said to the man behind, I said, have you got anything for a 187 00:15:01,490 --> 00:15:04,950 headache? He said, yes. So he gave me this, and I went to pay him. He said, 188 00:15:04,950 --> 00:15:05,950 toss you a double or nothing. 189 00:15:06,430 --> 00:15:08,170 So I lost. I walked up with two headaches. 190 00:15:10,130 --> 00:15:15,290 Now, will you please answer... Will you please answer the following question? 191 00:15:15,410 --> 00:15:16,349 Yes. 192 00:15:16,350 --> 00:15:19,210 And to make it more difficult, I shall drink a glass of water at the same time. 193 00:15:23,790 --> 00:15:24,830 Would you hand me the water? 194 00:15:25,170 --> 00:15:26,610 Now then, full... Hand me the water. 195 00:15:27,530 --> 00:15:28,530 Full... 196 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:47,000 I don't understand a word. 197 00:15:48,100 --> 00:15:51,540 Well, I just... I just spent my drink in a glass of water. It's not easy, is it? 198 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:54,000 Marmalade. 199 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:55,360 Marmalade. 200 00:15:56,300 --> 00:15:57,300 Now, sex? 201 00:15:58,080 --> 00:15:59,080 Male, I suppose? 202 00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:01,980 Well, it's a little bit delicate, really. 203 00:16:02,300 --> 00:16:03,300 Well, he was. 204 00:16:05,140 --> 00:16:06,440 Until the woodworm got at him. 205 00:16:09,860 --> 00:16:11,880 Well, I suppose I'd better leave it open. 206 00:16:12,140 --> 00:16:13,140 Well, we'll do that. 207 00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:16,200 That's why the woodworm got in. 208 00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:19,400 Ah, 209 00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:23,860 next question. 210 00:16:24,620 --> 00:16:25,620 Any children? 211 00:16:25,980 --> 00:16:26,980 Three. 212 00:16:27,100 --> 00:16:28,100 Three children? 213 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:31,020 Yes, I have. No, no, no, not you, him. 214 00:16:31,820 --> 00:16:33,420 Don't you discuss it, he's only 12. 215 00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:37,140 Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise this. 216 00:16:45,790 --> 00:16:48,670 Next of kin is the oak tree at the bottom of the garden. 217 00:16:53,310 --> 00:16:55,550 He's not a close family, but he comes from a branch of it. 218 00:16:57,030 --> 00:16:58,030 I see. 219 00:17:00,070 --> 00:17:01,130 Put that down with Peter. 220 00:17:02,590 --> 00:17:03,590 There's a secret on all. 221 00:17:05,230 --> 00:17:07,690 Do you mind? That was my tea. I haven't finished it. 222 00:17:07,890 --> 00:17:09,329 I'm sorry. He thought it was tea oil. 223 00:17:10,410 --> 00:17:11,410 Now, 224 00:17:11,630 --> 00:17:13,089 one last formality. Could... 225 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:15,780 Mr Marmalade signed the form? Of course. 226 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:19,500 Could I borrow a pen, please? 227 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,180 Could you borrow a pen? 228 00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:24,599 A pen? A pen, yes. 229 00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:25,800 Certainly. 230 00:17:27,740 --> 00:17:28,740 He's a terrible speller. 231 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:30,620 There was his greatest downfall. 232 00:17:31,500 --> 00:17:33,720 Even at school, his mother wanted him to be a school desk. 233 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:38,860 He didn't have the right legs for it. 234 00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:42,320 I don't think I need to know. 235 00:17:43,370 --> 00:17:44,370 Mr. Robert. 236 00:17:45,090 --> 00:17:46,350 Do you mind? 237 00:17:46,910 --> 00:17:47,910 You naughty boy. 238 00:17:48,070 --> 00:17:50,070 Take a man's pen into the case you go. 239 00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:52,390 No, not the case. Yes, into the case. 240 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:11,920 Marmaduke doesn't have to pay tax. 241 00:18:12,180 --> 00:18:13,780 Of course he doesn't. Good night. 242 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:15,240 Good night! 243 00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:21,500 Well, 244 00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:31,320 that was not a fuss. Not nothing. Anyway, it was worth it. Right. Adieu, 245 00:18:31,340 --> 00:18:32,340 Marmaduke. 246 00:18:34,380 --> 00:18:36,520 Oh, there's another year you don't have to pay tax. 247 00:18:36,860 --> 00:18:37,860 Thanks a lot, Tom. 248 00:18:38,740 --> 00:18:40,160 That's your line? Yeah, why not? 249 00:18:49,900 --> 00:18:50,900 your first girlfriend? 250 00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:55,520 Well, um, I met her on board ship. Oh, yes. Yes, I was, yes. 251 00:18:55,740 --> 00:18:57,660 And, uh, I proposed to her. Mm -hmm. See? 252 00:18:58,220 --> 00:19:03,020 And, uh, I was on, it was a fancy dress, it was, um, a carnival night. Oh, yes. 253 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:04,440 And it was a fancy dress. 254 00:19:04,660 --> 00:19:05,239 Mm -hmm. 255 00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:06,240 And I was a fairy. 256 00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:09,640 Fancy. 257 00:19:11,420 --> 00:19:13,280 Your daughter's hanging by a thread, you know that, don't you? 258 00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:18,620 And you do know that, don't you? Oh, yes, yes, I do know. 259 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:21,040 It's a joke, isn't it? 260 00:19:21,460 --> 00:19:22,460 Candy, candy. 261 00:19:25,020 --> 00:19:25,899 Just once. 262 00:19:25,900 --> 00:19:26,940 No, no, please, please. 263 00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:28,620 And she was a clown. 264 00:21:41,260 --> 00:21:44,220 One or two more tricks. Oh, gosh. Make it quick, Tom. It's the end. All right, 265 00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:46,920 well, take a card. Yeah. Any card you like. Yes. All right, look at it. Yes. 266 00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:48,000 Tear it in half. Yes. 267 00:21:48,300 --> 00:21:49,460 Quickly, then. Tear it in half. 268 00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:51,440 Yes. Tear it again. Yes. 269 00:21:51,820 --> 00:21:52,719 Tear it once again. 270 00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:55,620 Yes. Yes. All right, throw it in the air. Yes. Happy New Year. 271 00:21:55,900 --> 00:21:56,900 Thank you. 272 00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:00,640 We should bring it closely.